After last night, I could never be a politician.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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