Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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