dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
