yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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