Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
