i will never coherently bang her
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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