Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
