My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
