did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
