miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
