Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
