I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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