Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
