i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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