i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
too bad you live with your parents still
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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