i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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