The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
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