Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
