I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
