I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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