Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
