I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
