the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
