Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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