I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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