The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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