I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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