The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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