I hate all girls vehemently.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
