Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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