I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
