we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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