i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
