Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
