2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If that was your dad, he is hot
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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