I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
