I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
