dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
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