all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh god it's open bar.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
