We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
