No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
