Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
