If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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