you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
