Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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