Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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