4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
