Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
