What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
