Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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