the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
